Dear Eating Disorder
Alexis is twenty-something living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. She graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Hope College in 2014. Currently, she is studying at the University of Michigan for her Master’s degree in Social Work. She credits yoga, her faith, and her kick-ass friends for keeping her happy and healthy. --
Dear Eating Disorder,
It’s been almost five years since I left you. And yet, I still think about you everyday. I think of you with anger and with spite. I ache for all the time and energy that I wasted by giving it to you. My chest tightens when I remember how it was not enough, how I was never enough. How could you demand more of me, even when I had nothing left to give? Even when I was a skeleton, a shell of a young woman?
When I left you, I felt like I had nothing. My body was devastated. My dreams, lost. My heart, beaten and broken. And yet, with nothing, I found everything, because I was free.
Free to take up space. Free from apologies for doing so. Free to go out to eat. Free from impossible expectations. Free to go back to school. Free from you.
And today, I am free to thank you. Though you stole much of my life, I find purpose in you to live everyday. Because when I think of the other men and women who give you those same gifts of precious time and energy, I want to shield their bodies with mine. I want to stand guard by their minds, and by their hearts, and by their souls.
I am stronger and bolder and I am not silent. When I hear about you, I share my own experience and I speak about the freedom I have now. I warn people of your lies and your never-ending demands. I tell them that enough is enough, that they are enough.
And I won’t stop telling them that. Even when they don’t understand, even when they aren’t ready to listen. And even when it’s hard to believe myself. I remind myself of the time, the energy, the moments that I have already lost by being with you. And that’s enough to remind me… I am already enough.
No longer yours,
**All photos courtesy of Alexis Sears
If you would like to submit your letter to the #LADYHUSTLELETTERPROJECT e-mail us! Submissions@ladyhustlemag.com